How do you perceive love? Or to put it another way, how do you give and equally, need to receive love?
Are you somebody that needs to hear from your loved ones those 3 little words on a regular basis?
‘I Love You’…
Just looking at them can have an affect on your heart and mind. Maybe a tingly feeling in your tummy or a smile on your face. And who doesn’t like hearing them or reading them? Especially from somebody you feel the same way about. But are they something you need to be told often to feel safe? If you don’t hear them will you feel insecure about the relationship with that person? Will you question their feelings for you and the strength of the relationship? Or are you secure enough in yourself to not need that reassurance and be confident enough in the bond you both have? Alternatively if things weren’t to work out would you be able to accept things and move on without feeling too much pain? Are spoken words how you perceive love? Is that how you show it to others? Really think about that need for ‘safety’.
Perhaps however you simply don’t perceive love in that way.
If you think back to your childhood. How do you remember receiving love from your parents? Did they tell you they love you often? Or did they show it in different ways?
Did they for instance hug, cuddle, hold and use physical touch as a sign of love, affection and reassurance?
Or perhaps they did neither of those all that often but were just always there for you, providing for you and doing alot for you? Cooking, cleaning, washing are obvious. But also always supporting emotionally, financially, offering advice, reassuring or generally just being there whenever you needed them?
Stop and take some time to think about what makes you feel safe. Think back to as many childhood memories as you can. Even if a seemingly unimportant event triggers a memory, because it is there in your memory banks means it was significant for you at that moment and it has stayed with you since for some reason. It’s amazing how few things you think you can remember, until you focus on it for a good period of time. As you remember one thing you may begin to recollect more. Try writing your thoughts down too. (See my piece on the Power of Diary Writing)
Did they tell you they loved you? Did you get cuddled? Or was it more about support through action?
It is quite possible you will have experienced 1 of these 3 signs of love from your care givers more than the other 2. This can have a big impact on your emotional needs in a relationship. So much of how we were brought up as children shapes us into adulthood and specifically our relationships whether it be friendship or romantic.
If you received alot of physical comfort from your parents as reassurance at a young age then it is likely this is how you associated love. And what that can mean is you then give love to others in the same way. You like to cuddle, hug and have physical contact with your loved ones as a way of showing love to them. And you will also want to receive the same in return to feel safe.
Lastly comes that actions piece. Your parents did alot for you. You were allowed to be a child and have fun but maybe didn’t learn to be quite as independent as other children who’s parents were less available or attentive. If both your parents worked maybe you had to step up and help out more, compared to somebody who had a stay at home mum who was always around running the household? In other words those parents that did everything for you showed their love through their actions. And that’s how you perceived it. If this was you, do you find yourself ‘people pleasing’? Therefore showing your version of love by doing things for people. And again do you feel highly appreciative when somebody goes out of their way for you through some kind gesture however big or small?
Emotional Needs go further than just how you perceive love. Maslows Hierarchy of Needs is a well known structure on this topic. But for this article let’s just focus on love and how to identify which of these 3 we might predominantly lean towards.
To feel secure in a relationship and stand a better chance at some true happiness and longevity you will need your emotional needs met. More so than having matching core values, such as trust, communication, respect, honesty, which are vitally important for a long lasting, happy relationship. And also not forgetting aligned long terms goals such as marriage, children and living location.
So think again about what you need to feel safe and loved. Think about what your partner needs. Do you need to be told by your partner multiple times a day that they love you? Do they need you to tell them you love them just as often? The same with physical touch. Does that make you both feel safe?
If you are dating, looking for a partner or are even in a relationship, be mindful of what you need from your partner and what your partner needs from you and communicate that. As aligning these could be a core foundation to the long term happiness you feel in that relationship.
If your partner identifies as needing reassurance through words more than touch or action, then tell them you love them more often. If they want to be held when they feel insecure then hold them. If they just need help keeping on top of work or household chores or grand old gestures of love then do that. And in reverse articulate to them what you need.
If you can both meet each others emotional needs you stand a better chance of feeling safe, secure and stable with that person no matter what life throws at you. So take some time to think and chat about it and see what you feel deep down and then put it into action. Be it words, touch or action.
Me, Myself and Mind 