Our minds believe what we tell them. If we keep saying we can’t, then we won’t. But our minds can often come up with the thoughts in the first place. Unless of course we pay too much attention to the other people we spend alot of time with or what we read online.
Primarily the human mind creates negative thoughts. We can have positive experiences and create positive thoughts to counteract those natural, negative thoughts. But the mind will never stop telling us bad ideas. It’s human nature, to protect us from potential perceived danger and pain. But the Ego, that each and every one of us has, likes to create drama for us just to survive and is ultimately only trying to protect us from suffering. And the more we fight and deny it, the more it breeds. So if we start to believe our own mind’s negative thoughts, our minds then believe us as we repeat these thoughts and there lies the self fulfilling prophecy. Sending us into a downward spiral of self doubt, where we lose our self worth and the process makes us less confident and more anxious or depressed. Plain wonderful right?!
So the answer is simply (said very lightly because it is not simple at all most of the time) to not deny and also not necessarily believe, the negative thoughts banding around in our skulls. But notice them as soon as we can, before acting upon them. (Dating a narcissist, therefore spending alot of time around negativity and manipulation, helped me do exactly this). So sit with them (the thoughts, not the narcissists). Become aware and comfortable with them and accept them. Sometimes they may be useful to you and genuinely save you some suffering! Make a point to reassure that fearful inner child yourself with self talk and acknowledge the Ego, that is ultimately trying to protect that inner child from suffering. If we can do this and reassure ourselves, rather than relying on external validation from others, that may or may not come and we have no control over, (which is where anxiety stems from as children, search attachment styles, they are very real), we begin to build self esteem and self efficacy. And that spiral becomes a tornado of Positivity, rising upwards, picking up more goodness along the way.
Now external factors, events, people, if we get too much, can help feed those negative thoughts and send us spiralling again. So to help with our happiness we need to cut out or at least reduce the external negativity, news, social media, other negative people and focus on ourselves and self love, self compassion and start to grow again. Making sure to keep around those positive people that help to rise us up if we do need a bit of help occasionally. Therefore ultimately becoming independent rather than codependent (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).
And this is a key route to happiness in many aspects of life. Being happy and content, alone with ourselves and those thoughts and feelings. Even if humans are programmed for companionship and physical contact, this is a valuable practice. Covid-19 has no doubt helped alot of people see this. How often before this pandemic did you stop and sit with your thoughts in silence? How about since the pandemic? I tell you now, practice a bit of meditation. It may surprise you how wonderful you can feel when you get it right, although it is not easy!
As children we take on the beliefs of our caregivers and these can become ingrained in us from as young as 3 years old. They then sit in our subconscious, which if we are lacking self awareness, throw us up to 50,000 thoughts a day, many negative, unchecked by our rational, adult selves. But they don’t need to control our lives as adults. We just need to remember the above process and stop and notice the negative thoughts and practice acceptance of all that is and who we are. Therefore the Ego no longer needs to fight and create more negativity or false attempts of receiving validation from others. The more love you give to yourself and to others and fun, happy, positive experiences you have, the happier your inner child and the less aggressive the negativity becomes. The ‘voices’ of the Ego and the inner child can almost disappear, (but never completely because they are part of who we are). Therefore flipping the direction of your life into that positivity tornado. And remember…
All the thoughts of negativity are from or for, moments that do not actually exist, in the past or the future. There is only calm, content, peacefulness in the present moment, where the Ego importantly, cannot exist. You wana sit crossed legged on the floor with your eyes closed now right don’t you?! Do it!
As the Buddha would say, ‘Desire is the root of all suffering’. Think about it. Something in the future that we don’t have now, that we want. Or we had in the past, that we don’t have now, and want back.
But this constant striving and potential missing out on wants, creates pain when we don’t get what we desire. This is where gratitude of what we have and what is now comes in. Don’t force anything. Love, money, success. Without trying to sound too cliche. ‘What is meant to be, will be’. Let things ride out, follow the flow of the river and trust in the process and importantly trust in yourself. Then you will know how to live.
So focus on the present moment and accepting those negative thoughts and creating those positive experiences. There are a multitude of ways to do this which I don’t need to tell you here. Yours may be different from mine. But this is the only thing we can control in life. Our behaviour and reaction to those inevitable negative thoughts. The rest, just listen and let go. This my friends in my opinion, is the answer to significantly improved happiness.
Me, Myself and Mind 